tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130637933744183532024-03-04T23:50:27.357-08:00The Black Leaf"Laughter, is the Best Medicine..."D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-24784148793964035412017-05-29T19:48:00.001-07:002017-05-29T19:48:11.578-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>Some Short Jokes I had sitting around here for a few Months, I figure it's about time I posted them...</b></span></div>
<br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i><b>So...</b></i></span><br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was<br />
losing his temper. Be careful, he said to his wife. Youll bring out the beast<br />
in me.<br />
<br />
So what? His wife shot back. Who's afraid of a mouse?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly<br />
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking hed outpace the cop, the<br />
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His cars speed rose to sixty, then<br />
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and<br />
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.<br />
<br />
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: Listen, Mister, I<br />
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good<br />
excuse and Ill let you go.<br />
<br />
The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off<br />
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were<br />
that officer and were trying to give her back to me.<br />
<br />
No ticket.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a<br />
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. <br />
Give me your money, he demanded.<br />
<br />
Indignant, the affluent man replied, You cant do thisIm a politician!<br />
<br />
In that case, replied the robber, give me my money!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical<br />
examination.<br />
<br />
The best thing for you to do, the doctor said, is give up drinking and<br />
smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.<br />
<br />
Doctor, I dont deserve the best, said the patient. Whats next best?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
The mother of many children lined up her family.<br />
<br />
The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as hes told without<br />
arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week.<br />
<br />
Its not fair, said the youngest kid, bursting into tears. Daddy will win easily.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Judge: The last time I saw you, I told you that I didn't want to see you here again.<br />
<br />
Accused: That is what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they would not believe me. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
The employee stormed angrily into the cashiers office. Whats the meaning of this? I just counted my pay and its a dollar short!<br />
<br />
The cashier examined the envelope, then checked his records. Last week we paid you a dollar more. You didn't complain then, did you?<br />
<br />
Look said the employee. An occasional mistake I can overlook - but two in a row is too much!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Chemistry Teacher: Can you give me the formula for water?<br />
Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.<br />
Chemistry Teacher: Where did you get an idea like that?<br />
<br />
Student: You told us the other day it was H to O.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Father: Would you still love my daughter even if she were poor?<br />
Suitor: Of course.<br />
<br />
Father: Youre no good. We don't want fools in our family.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Estate agent to young house-hunting couple: First you tell me what you can afford. Then we'll have a good laugh about it and go on from there...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><b>More of these to come if you guys liked... :)</b></i><br />
<br />D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-70242999453139437322017-03-07T12:39:00.000-08:002017-03-08T19:23:20.196-08:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>Because we All LOVE One-Liners!!</b></span></div>
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b>Here Goes...</b></span><br />
<br />
The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.<br />
<br />
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.<br />
<br />
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.<br />
<br />
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.<br />
<br />
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.<br />
<br />
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. <br />
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.<br />
<br />
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?<br />
<br />
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.<br />
<br />
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.<br />
<br />
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.<br />
<br />
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”<br />
<br />
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.<br />
<br />
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.<br />
<br />
All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.<br />
<br />
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.<br />
<br />
Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.<br />
<br />
When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers.<br />
<br />
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.<br />
<br />
The main difference between men and boys is that mens toys cost more money.<br />D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-60746608896116271472017-01-12T14:08:00.002-08:002017-01-27T09:03:56.681-08:00<span style="font-size: small;"><b>I'm Bored... Have nothing much to do until this Weekend when a Friend of mine is having his Bachelor Party. </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b>So how about some Jokes? Yeah? I copied them from a Bunch of other places and listed them all here... Enjoy...</b></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#! </b><br />
Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now. After
hearing of Barbie and Ken's breakup, they too decide to call it quits.<br />
Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, "She's been a problem
since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy."<br />
Mickey looks
at Donald and replies, "No, I broke up with her because she's f**king
Goofy."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#! </b><br />
I'm not athletic. I gave up sports early. My last bungee jump was birth.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#! </b><br />
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day
of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!"<br />
<br />
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"<br />
<br />
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Q: How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?<br />
A: Because they both "practice" their professions.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#! </b><br />
Went to the beach today. I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b> <br />
Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?<br />
A: The panties were half off. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
<div class="arrow_area">
<div class="content_wrap">
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
<br />
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
<br />
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
<br />
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
<br />
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
<br />
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
<br />
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
<br />
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls
down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good
look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces,
"Nothing is wrong with them."
<br />
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
<br />
<b><i>
"Are my test results back?"</i></b></div>
</div>
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
I
have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one.<br />
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?<br />
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “<b>BINGO</b>!"<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
I
told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.<br />
Then
she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers,
and a bartender.<br />
<br />
<b>!#!</b><br />
I grew up with six siblings. That’s how I learned to dance<br />
... waiting for the bathroom.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b> Thank you..</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And here are two New Offers:<br />
<br />
A Not so typical <a href="http://983443w3808xyxb20zn7fx6sek.hop.clickbank.net/" target="_blank">Credit Repair System</a><br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
A totally unrelated <a href="http://f64f5gw-f14s0paupz6dcnywe8.hop.clickbank.net/" target="_blank">Wedding Speech Killer</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<b> Well maybe not so unrelated, I am going to a Bachelor Party this weekend after all...</b><br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.<br />
.<br />
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.<br />
<br />
As she comes back the male doc says “I bet you are a surgeon.” She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” “That’s very clever” she says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist”. “Wow, how did you guess?”<br />
<br />
“I didn’t feel a thing.”<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Enjoyed?</b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://f79ff722gv7tzqcpkl28et8var.hop.clickbank.net/" target="_blank">Click here for the Net's #1 Joke E-Book! </a></b><br />
<br />
<b>You're Welcome... :)</b>
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</script>D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-49155579301391883452014-07-03T11:23:00.001-07:002017-01-27T09:16:38.544-08:00Here's one for the day... <div dir="ltr">
A man went to the Police Station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Husband </b>- I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Inspector </b>- what is her height? </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Husband </b>- I never checked. Inspector :slim or healthy?</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Husband </b>- Not slim but maybe healthy. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Inspector </b>- Color of eyes? </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Husband </b>- Never noticed. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Inspector </b>- Color of hair?</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Husband </b>- Changes according to the season.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Inspector </b>- what was she wearing?</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Husband </b>- Not sure whether it was a Dress or a Suit?</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Inspector </b>- Was she driving?<br />
<b>Husband</b> -Yes.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Inspector </b>- Tell me the number, name and color of the <u>Car</u>? </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Husband </b>- Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 Engine generating 333 Horse Power teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic Automatic Transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use Light Emitting Diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…</div>
<div dir="ltr">
.....and then the husband started crying. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Inspector </b>- Don't worry sir... we will find your car...<br />
<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14177259425470859985noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-9291684658842839222014-05-24T02:41:00.000-07:002017-01-12T12:10:36.592-08:00A Few Short Jokes!<h2>
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>Here are a few short jokes that will hopefully make your day, night or evening... Enjoy...</b></i></span></h2>
<br />
<b>1:</b> What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?<br />
Outlaws are wanted.<br />
<br />
<b>2:</b> Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game.<br />
When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court.<br />
Got it?<br />
Class: Got it.<br />
Coach: Okay… Ready, set… ORANGE!<br />
<br />
<b>3:</b> *Boy whispers to his Mom during a wedding*<br />
Boy: “Mommy?”<br />
Mom: “What?”<br />
Boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?”<br />
Mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.”<br />
Boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?”<br />
<br />
<b>4:</b> I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves<br />
<br />
<b>5: </b> I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.<br />
<br />
<b>6:</b> I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight.<br />
So as an adult I had to step in. <br />
They didn’t stand a chance...<br />
<br />
<b>7:</b> I was in in the public restroom<br />
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: <br />
<br />
"Hi, how are you?”<br />
Me: “Doing fine!”<br />
Stall: “So what are you up to?”<br />
Me: “Ummm, I’m like you, just sitting here.” <br />
Stall: “Can I come over?”<br />
Me: “No, Ugh... I’m a little busy right now!!”<br />
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!<br />
<br />
<b>8: </b> Husband (watching a video):<br />
Don’t do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don’t say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aww damn, he actually did it! What a dumb-ass!<br />
<br />
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?<br />
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Enjoyed?</b><br />
<br />
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<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14177259425470859985noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-79170607544813389622013-12-11T21:11:00.002-08:002017-01-27T09:17:46.735-08:00Lets see a smile at least... Maybe a grin?<b><span style="font-size: large;">These are apparently some of the top jokes in the world according to the website I pulled them from... Here goes...</span></b><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The bus driver says: “<i>That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!</i>” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “<i>The driver just insulted me!</i>” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The man says: “<i>You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you</i>.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">2. <b> <span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. Gasping to the operator: <i>“My friend is dead! What can I do?”</i> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: <i>“Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”</i> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There is a silence, then a shot is heard. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:<i> “OK, now what?</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">3. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">His friend says: <i>“Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;">The man then replies:<i> “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span class="Apple-converted-space">4. <span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></span><span style="color: black;">When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Russians used a pencil.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. </span>A doctor says to his patient, “<i>I have bad news and worse news”</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>“Oh dear, what's the bad news?”</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>asks the patient.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The doctor replies, “<i>You only have 24 hours to live.”</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>“That's terrible”</i>, said the patient. “<i>How can the news possibly be worse?”</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">The doctor replies, “<i>I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"></span></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> </span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">6. </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, <i>"Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."</i></span><br style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">The preacher is astonished and replies, <i>"But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."</i></span><br style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">St. Peter responded: <i>"This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."</i></span><i> </i></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i> </i></span></span> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: blue; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14177259425470859985noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-12764290448686246202012-05-22T18:41:00.004-07:002017-01-27T09:25:50.451-08:00One Liners!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.humorstop.club/"><img alt="http://www.humorstop.club/" border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd9MGmi8-J2yqVtPCyhJlwetOkYtQM3d3Sszj3z6jhAPxUdZj4TGkxLosgR9vYzieWrykcrhweXRYI7dGPstImZ2u6K_2KGuvEhb9SQNY8iy1WctH-6eWwvQuuOI4AdW5NARFUANfCV2s/s200/One-Liner-Funny-jokes-part-1.gif" width="200" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>One Liners!</b></span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I bet you I could stop gambling...</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know...</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />The statement following is true. The statement prior is false. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.</span><br />
<br />
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<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMa4X_wDFfA3wuNwy_F9I5rr7eq5Swhnr3OYREaM1PeJCRWh2qK5JY6h9Z_zcbQ2KKcdxzCjKLuoUMiX-80SnZ-YqA73ChaH2Ssl5DJbotFF5n5WVMSnuN8ovTaNAQn4A-fo9KJlgS5pg/s1600/cla179med.gif" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="350" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMa4X_wDFfA3wuNwy_F9I5rr7eq5Swhnr3OYREaM1PeJCRWh2qK5JY6h9Z_zcbQ2KKcdxzCjKLuoUMiX-80SnZ-YqA73ChaH2Ssl5DJbotFF5n5WVMSnuN8ovTaNAQn4A-fo9KJlgS5pg/s400/cla179med.gif" width="300" /></a></div>
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<br />
- Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines? <br />
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- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? <br />
<br />
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? <br />
<br />
- If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens? <br />
<br />
- Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport it by ship, it's called cargo? <br />
<br />
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it? <br />
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- Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" <br />
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- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? <br />
<br />
- Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons? <br />
<br />
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? <br />
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- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? <br />
<br />
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? <br />
<br />
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? <br />
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- How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? <br />
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- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? <br />
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- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? <br />
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- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? <br />
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- Why do you often see people ordering double cheese burgers, large fries, and a <b><i>diet</i></b> coke?<br />
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- At ball games, why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?<br />
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- Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?<br />
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- Who do you save when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?<br />
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- OK, so what's the speed of dark?<br />
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- If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?<br />
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- Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?<br />
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- Do prison buses have emergency exits?<br />
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- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?<br />
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- What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?<br />
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- Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?<br />
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- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?<br />
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- Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?<br />
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- How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
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D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-29872342310024606292011-09-26T09:25:00.002-07:002023-09-29T17:19:01.985-07:00The 3-Minute Timed Test<b><i>OK so this is a bit different. I want you to PRINT this, or grab a notepad or piece of paper and a pen for this one and go through questions 1 to 20...</i></b><br />
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<b>Would be even better if you do this with a friend, maybe a race? Remember you only have 3 (THREE) minutes!</b><br />
<br />
Here Goes...<br />
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1. Read everything before doing anything.<br />
2. Put your name on the upper right-hand corner of the paper.<br />
3. List three jobs that you would love to do.<br />
4. List three things you would tell your employer about yourself.<br />
5. Would you hire yourself? If so write: YES! YES! YES!<br />
6. What number would come next?: 3,5,7,9,___<br />
7. Write the number 7 next to the answer in question 6.<br />
8. Write down the item that does not belong: pen, pencil or hat <br />
9. Draw five small squares.<br />
10. Put an "X" in each square<br />
11. Draw a circle around each square<br />
12. Multiply: 120 x 4<br />
13. Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point.<br />
14. If you think you have followed the directions carefully, call out LOUDLY "I have!"<br />
15. Add: 1457 + 8950 =<br />
16. Count backwards from 10 to 1 loud.<br />
17. Write down all the even numbers on this page.<br />
18. Say loudly, "I am nearly finished, and I have followed directions.<br />
19. Draw a happy face here<br />
20. Now that you have finished reading this sheet carefully, do only sentences one and two.<br />
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<br />
<b>Hope you enjoyed...</b><br />
<br />
<br />D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-28104974121315449652011-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:002017-01-27T10:03:37.439-08:00More One Liners:- Well I'm back for a little bit, will be posting consistently so visit often :)There are two kinds of people:- those that do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.<br />
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An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.<br />
<br />
There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.<br />
<br />
He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito. <br />
<br />
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?<br />
<br />
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? <br />
<br />
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. <br />
<br />
Honk if you love peace and quiet. <br />
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Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.<br />
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. <br />
<br />
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. <br />
<br />
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! <br />
<br />
Where there's a will... I want to be in it.<br />
<br />
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? <br />
<br />
Why is abbreviation such a long word? <br />
<br />
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! <br />
<br />
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.<br />
<br />
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.<br />
<br />
A successful man makes more money than his woman can spend.<br />
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.<br />
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If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?<br />
<br />
The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Enjoyed?</b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://f79ff722gv7tzqcpkl28et8var.hop.clickbank.net/" target="_blank">Click here for the Net's #1 Joke E-Book! </a></b><br />
<br />
<b>You're Welcome... :)</b><br />
<br />
<br />
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D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-27226986708153078272010-01-13T14:02:00.000-08:002017-01-12T11:34:06.321-08:00One Liners - Some funny, some to get ya thinking...<b>I'm getting requests for more one-liners so here's a little something to keep you laughing. I put together this list from a bunch of random places including websites, my email and a cpl friends... Thank you guys for the interest in my blog, I've gotten nothing but positive reviews, Thank you!!</b><br />
<br />
<br />
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.<br />
<br />
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.<br />
<br />
Too many freaks, not enough circuses. <br />
<br />
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. <br />
<br />
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.<br />
(unless I buy something) <br />
<br />
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere! <br />
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If aliens are smart enough to travel through space,<br />
why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?<br />
<br />
If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.<br />
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No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.<br />
<br />
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? <br />
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Children seldom mis-quote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.<br />
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George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.<br />
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.<br />
<br />
Girls are like roads, the more they curve, the more dangerous they are.<br />
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Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"<br />
<br />
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.<br />
<br />
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.<br />
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The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.<br />
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We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.<br />
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Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?<br />
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Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".<br />
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When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?<br />
<br />
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.<br />
<br />
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?<br />
<br />
Only in North America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.<br />
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They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.<br />
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.<br />
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Only dead fish go with the flow.<br />
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Who lit the fuse on your tampon?<br />
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.<br />
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I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.<br />
<br />
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.<br />
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If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.<br />
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Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?<br />
<br />
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.<br />
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Born Free... Taxed to Death<br />
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If at first you don't succeed...... you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.<br />
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Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.<br />
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Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.<br />
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Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking? <br />
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Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! <br />
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.<br />
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.<br />
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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.<br />
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Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing<br />
<br />
Clones are people two.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Enjoyed?</b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://f79ff722gv7tzqcpkl28et8var.hop.clickbank.net/" target="_blank">Click here for the Net's #1 Joke E-Book! </a></b><br />
<br />
<b>You're Welcome... :)</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-71572111994779865092010-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:002017-01-12T11:38:19.899-08:00Surgery<b>Found this one while scraping together some more one-liners for your enjoyment... Decided to post... Here Goes...</b><br />
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY<br />
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# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.<br />
# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?<br />
# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?<br />
# Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.<br />
# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?<br />
# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.<br />
# Damm! There go the lights again...<br />
# What's this doing here?<br />
# That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!<br />
# Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!<br />
# Sterile, Schmerile. The floor's clean, right?<br />
# What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?<br />
# OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.<br />
# This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?<br />
# Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.<br />
# Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.<br />
# Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance?<br />
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D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-38865961380793967382009-12-11T12:23:00.000-08:002017-01-27T13:39:01.886-08:00Jesus Knows You're Here<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: black;">Got this one in an email today, it's not bad so here goes...</span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: black;">A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,<br />
<br />
'Jesus knows you're here.'<br />
<br />
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.<br />
<br />
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.<br />
<br />
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard<br />
<br />
'Jesus is watching you.'<br />
<br />
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. </span></span><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "verdana";"><span style="font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 16pt;"><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: white;">'<span style="color: black;">Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.<br />
<br />
'Yep', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'<br />
<br />
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'<br />
<br />
'Moses,' replied the bird.<br />
<br />
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'<br />
<br />
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'</span></span> </span><br />
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</script>D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-39013411192407722992009-11-20T11:12:00.000-08:002017-01-27T10:02:28.606-08:00One Liners<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Found another beautiful list of one-liners while surfing the net today, decided to post right away... Have fun...</b><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-oCEayZ1law2BajzYNdmlKv1lQU1hF8xod5VelqEHGGwbs5oOgii2EuRXrvS42o1DBGMA5xWVYKT4tHK3IYH9VmysJkh82lxpwjSJ_0CWWEBKr5IrK9cD1cItCcvueZA8lD1YupSkPQ/s1600/question_mark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-oCEayZ1law2BajzYNdmlKv1lQU1hF8xod5VelqEHGGwbs5oOgii2EuRXrvS42o1DBGMA5xWVYKT4tHK3IYH9VmysJkh82lxpwjSJ_0CWWEBKr5IrK9cD1cItCcvueZA8lD1YupSkPQ/s640/question_mark.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.<br />
<br />
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.<br />
<br />
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.<br />
<br />
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.<br />
<br />
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.<br />
<br />
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.<br />
<br />
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.<br />
<br />
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.<br />
<br />
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.<br />
<br />
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.<br />
<br />
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.<br />
<br />
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.<br />
<br />
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.<br />
<br />
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.<br />
<br />
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.<br />
<br />
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.<br />
<br />
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.<br />
<br />
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.<br />
<br />
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.<br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.</span><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">God must love stupid people. He made SO many.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I intend to live forever. So far, so good.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">When in doubt, mumble.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You're never too old to learn something stupid.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.</span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><br />
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</script>D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-79670144015934421912009-09-24T13:58:00.000-07:002009-09-24T13:58:49.703-07:00Marriage made in Heaven.<b>Nice one...</b><br />
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One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.<br />
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The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.<br />
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A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”<br />
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With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out <br />
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“Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-20567900262287893782009-09-24T13:37:00.000-07:002017-01-31T08:43:31.062-08:00Will he Jump??<b>Lol, yea I found this one funny... Wouldn't know what to do if I had a bet with someone like that, probably bet him something everyday, lol, but then my good side won't allow it so... Anyways, here goes...</b><br />
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Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.<br />
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It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy. “Your on!”, he says.<br />
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Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.<br />
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The second guy hands the first guy the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”<br />
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“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-82497481274819783232009-09-24T12:46:00.000-07:002009-09-24T12:46:22.026-07:00Million Bucks<b>Found this one hilarious, well... funny, Here goes...</b><br />
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Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..<br />
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“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.<br />
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“Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster.”<br />
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“I got it from my genie.”<br />
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“You have a genie?” he asked.<br />
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“Yes, he’s right here in my pocket.”<br />
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“Could I see him?”<br />
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He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.<br />
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The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”<br />
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“Yes I will,” the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master’s pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.<br />
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About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, “What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”<br />
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He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-30097276134466276202009-09-24T12:27:00.000-07:002009-09-24T12:27:58.704-07:00Devil's Match<b>For some reason I can't seem to find the option for adding pictures to my posts... I'm not sure if it's changes made by blogspot themselves but I'll edit these posts with images as soon as I can...</b><br />
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Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.<br />
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The Devil wanders across to the old man and says “Do you know how I am?” The old man took another sip of his beer and answered “Yep”<br />
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The Devil stared at the old man and asked “Well aren’t you afraid of me?” The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs “I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?”D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-77874711845550895342009-09-24T10:53:00.000-07:002009-09-24T10:53:42.426-07:00What are you?<b>Found this one while at work, can't remember what i was looking for but as I thought of adding it, it sure reminded me that it's time to update me blog with new posts. So here goes...</b><br />
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.<br />
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After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.<br />
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As she comes back the male doc says “I bet you are a surgeon.” She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” “That’s very clever” she says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist”. “Wow, how did you guess?”<br />
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“I didn’t feel a thing.”D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-33813623105355891942009-08-13T08:04:00.000-07:002017-01-31T08:42:09.076-08:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4vynafvwGLqnwvNR3zUFdYyF0PU1TDHITT6_65z3mUvf9r9RGc3XDbiBC01a_wlm9E2GrmpCOKha74TbPR0my2Xmzj_MpoWfNbhJ-G87cY8DprK9yE8K4R3ssVt-YtOODfWq8Biff0AY/s1600-h/frozen-smiles-dentures-ice-cube-tray-2.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369465804717833538" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4vynafvwGLqnwvNR3zUFdYyF0PU1TDHITT6_65z3mUvf9r9RGc3XDbiBC01a_wlm9E2GrmpCOKha74TbPR0my2Xmzj_MpoWfNbhJ-G87cY8DprK9yE8K4R3ssVt-YtOODfWq8Biff0AY/s400/frozen-smiles-dentures-ice-cube-tray-2.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
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A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. <br />
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After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. <br />
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"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-70892210983836964092009-08-13T08:01:00.000-07:002017-01-31T08:45:02.596-08:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV2O8ZYabaIG4nisnxt5q5fSyIjwA3yBUyoprPTwoKXuEOPbdeS0-7Bn5srlzZUmJLeqAOztSNvjUD-WnY93ZcjCssDYLOAu6zkyK-D9b6qaN_TL3yx1cWIpDpqHrxSlkB0Ol_XBT5fKk/s1600-h/why_are_blonde_jokes.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369464334676760034" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV2O8ZYabaIG4nisnxt5q5fSyIjwA3yBUyoprPTwoKXuEOPbdeS0-7Bn5srlzZUmJLeqAOztSNvjUD-WnY93ZcjCssDYLOAu6zkyK-D9b6qaN_TL3yx1cWIpDpqHrxSlkB0Ol_XBT5fKk/s400/why_are_blonde_jokes.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 297px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 300px;" /></a><br />
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." <br />
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The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know." <br />
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A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" <br />
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"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-66469919961939225982009-08-13T07:46:00.000-07:002017-01-31T08:47:57.709-08:00The Mailman<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFciK18K3l9gtWbYeg_6m8Gt3m9P2VqhtjaMNo8sy5QwHiGLJheL2lX5EmbGJYAjeRbwoHB_CROeh8sPCp8RMd9IcdLbWkInHZvoHfEfQ1usHMyRpJrF5iwjj-o8o9rl_lPUp6P2ul5n4/s1600-h/bhon21l.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369460745581666306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFciK18K3l9gtWbYeg_6m8Gt3m9P2VqhtjaMNo8sy5QwHiGLJheL2lX5EmbGJYAjeRbwoHB_CROeh8sPCp8RMd9IcdLbWkInHZvoHfEfQ1usHMyRpJrF5iwjj-o8o9rl_lPUp6P2ul5n4/s400/bhon21l.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 322px;" /></a><br />
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It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. <br />
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.<br />
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At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.<br />
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The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. <br />
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At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! <br />
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. <br />
"All of this was just too wonderful for words." <br />
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He said, "But what's the dollar for"? <br />
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"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-89544638156158636252009-08-13T07:37:00.000-07:002017-01-31T08:49:30.957-08:00Road Rage<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnGIuYP7-1C1koAy5cYajYUdGuiQ1YkahJiV4P06GBquifSJKDO79PmvtocMtUU-3egyfGOQSwHyVGPUCJhJ61TDB1GTOve2go0rc5Imm3d7IE9UoNmrT4phbp12LF-eCb1lG3EsXCp3Y/s1600-h/you_can_do_it.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369459626156604946" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnGIuYP7-1C1koAy5cYajYUdGuiQ1YkahJiV4P06GBquifSJKDO79PmvtocMtUU-3egyfGOQSwHyVGPUCJhJ61TDB1GTOve2go0rc5Imm3d7IE9UoNmrT4phbp12LF-eCb1lG3EsXCp3Y/s400/you_can_do_it.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and don't move!" <br />
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He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." <br />
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He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. <br />
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He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. <br />
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"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times."D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113063793374418353.post-41517151128871722912009-08-13T07:33:00.000-07:002017-01-31T08:51:02.295-08:00Magic Mirror<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOMRA25FdcrLSZko6VUv2B38PCZ0cMLxdg5EgNjPSTkc-tHPGwSxjJWKH8_Kw496y9YEILNwT9kKSCcoGbiLVrPKrxecVO0oqydM6T-vM2vxXCSPUDt_wnbmUQp-jGjmw2AAXYL8uSHNE/s1600-h/BlondeWishingWell.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369457324773818770" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOMRA25FdcrLSZko6VUv2B38PCZ0cMLxdg5EgNjPSTkc-tHPGwSxjJWKH8_Kw496y9YEILNwT9kKSCcoGbiLVrPKrxecVO0oqydM6T-vM2vxXCSPUDt_wnbmUQp-jGjmw2AAXYL8uSHNE/s400/BlondeWishingWell.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 322px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
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There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. <br />
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A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. <br />
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Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. <br />
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Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*D Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16547099805815981337noreply@blogger.com0